Undoubtedly the worst aspect of trying to leave was the terror. My mouth tasted like metal 24/7. My hands shook. I couldn’t eat and I needed medicine to sleep. Sadly, that barely even scratches the surface of my experience. But I’m not here to tell you another horrifying tale, I’m here to teach you how to transform terror into something useful.
The first thing to understand is that fear is our teacher. It is communicating something very important to us. It is forcing us to comprehend that we are not safe. You might be saying, “Duh!” but I’m speaking simply for a purpose. All of that time I spent with the covert narcissist I was in a perpetual state of fear and didn’t realize it. I thought it was agitation, anxiety and hopelessness. The reality is that it was fear. Somewhere deep inside I understood that this person was dangerous and in order to protect myself and my child, I avoided the raw fear. Why? Because at that time I wasn’t ready to take action and face my reality. Fear makes you move! Fear motivates you to get out! Fear ignites great change.
In this perspective, we can begin to appreciate fear. And what I truly found is that by accepting the raw honesty the fear was communicating to me, I began to transform it.
We spend most of our time trying to avoid emotions that are painful. This is the essence of denial. And denial is why the fear grows into terror. With this understanding we can see that the true enemy so to speak is denial, not fear. Meaning that the savior of our story is our own clarity.
When we comprehend that our confusion is coming from denial, we are given a massive gift. It means that our inability to admit the truth to ourselves is what causes the majority of our pain.
This is the essence of “The truth shall set you free.”
This is the philosophy behind ‘no contact’ and ‘grey rock’.
From this point of no contact, we can really begin to work diligently on our inner self. We can offer deep compassion to the fear and the pain. We can offer brutal honesty to the denial. We can offer practices of self defense and self care to our body and mind. We can be dedicated to nurturing every bit of damage caused to our beautiful self. And last but not least, we can engage our imagination like a child. We can see ourselves healed in our future. We can build the future version of ourselves in our mind. Radiant. Hopeful. Healthy. Free. And we MUST do this over and over again until we are truly smiling.
This is what I have done. This is how I freed myself from my mental loops of horror. To this day I deeply engage in these practices with all my heart. And now I am happy. I have a healthy family. I am not in a perpetual state of fear or denial. We CAN heal ourselves. We just have to be more obsessed with our curiosity about our gorgeous future than anything else.
This is how we transform the fear and our life.